wicked intentions for a lovely new year

one thing up front. i might (will) post things here and then two posts later i will repeat the same thoughts or ideas because i have an awful memory. deal with it.

sooooo. i don't like the word resolutions, i don't like to look at myself as a problem. i like to classify them as intentions, that's probably obvious.

i spelled out my main intentions in the last post but since then i found this detox in whole living magazine and i am going to do the first 7 days. i've come to realize and accept that i need to set realistic goals, which for me have to be small. i can't commit to the 28 days because i am not confident that i would succeed. 7 days, i can do. and the first 7 days are the hardest, IMO. it's cutting out caffeine (we haven't discussed my extreme love and dependence on my morning cup, 3 cups, of coffee), soy, wheat, dairy, eggs and peanuts.

i feel like i need a jump start and i think that would be a great beginning. i might even go on to week 2 but for now, it's 7 days for me. i tested one of the recipes from whole living, a two bean vegetarian chili. it was pretty fabulous, even with butternut squash. hubs and b1 loved it, that is saying alot.

i'll try and post pics of my six meals a day, let's see how i do.

more wicked lovely intentions

wow, how much do i stink at this blogging thing?

i swear i write out posts in my mind but it's so in the moment that later i often feel silly feeling how i felt earlier. if only i could transmit the thoughts straight here from my mind. scary thought, and who knows - that might just be possible someday.

in my random nature, here's what's on my mind.

*i am still desperate to be crafty. i need to work within my limited ability. accomplishing small projects brings me joy. doing something i wanted to do just for me, is rare. recently i made paper stars and am working on flower fairies this evening.

*i need to stay on top of menu planning. it feels good to make a menu, shop for groceries based on said menu and never be stumped for what to cook (thus ending up eating out, we've had vietnamese sandwiches for dinner one too many times)

*meditation. ha! can't remember the last time i carved out a few moments to sit in silence and just breathe. it is one of my greatest intentions though and my husband has expressed an interest. partnering up would be a dream, even though we've had major blowouts with one another recently

*exercise. ugh. why can't i just be one of those people who can't live without it, who are driven to it and thrive from it. i want to be one of those people. there are many excuses......mainly time. but i know i can make it happen and that i need to. i've gained back about 10 lbs. i don't want to talk about it.

*peaceful parenting. i feel like i am getting caught up in life. the days are long but the years are short, gretchen rubin says so! i feel like i need a method of staying present, mindful and absorbing the joys (along with the, let's face it, plain shitty, days). i am losing opportunities being frazzled, getting upset, not taking the time to turn something into a game or a lesson. i want to return to that state. THAT is the mom i am in my heart and i need to return to being her in every moment.

*blogs. i am enchanted with so many blogs these days. from vegetarian cooking, to baking, to crafting. i'm loving them. and i want to start sharing them.

so this is where i'm at. i'm also going to place an intention to post something once a week here. i don't know if anyone has ever seen this blog, but for me, i need this. if you do stop by, could you say hello so i know someone is out there?

why can't i just do it?

i haven't meditated, i haven't exercised. i know there are moms with more kids than me. maybe with kids AND a job. maybe with a husband who travels regularly. and i know they blog. i have all these ideas and INTENTIONS, but then i actually FORGET about this blog!

i might be overthinking it. no one is counting on me to make something of this, so i'm just going to put things out there and hope eventually that things come together.

maybe this can be an alternative for therapy. this is where i'm at. it's my birthday. i usually bake myself a cake but didn't have time. i spent my morning at the mall with my kids. my husband has been out of town for the past week. we had subway for dinner.

my goals for this week are to create a healthy menu for the week. our oldest is a vegetarian. he chose to give up meat when he was 3. hubs and i have joined him but never consistently and neither of us have even lasted a year. we're trying again. hubs says we will have a meat free thanksgiving, we'll see.

so far my menu intentions are: chile relleno casserole, homemade pizza, tuscan chickpea soup, nutloaf. maybe a white bean chili. i am also hoping to make enough homemade crackers for the week.

i want to complete week 1 of c25k again. i want to do a sensory tub for b2 and b3 and fill it with shredded paper. i'd like to sew one headband.

there are so many craft projects i want to do. i don't follow directions well and my sewing skills are non-existent. i desperately want to learn to make a few pieces that i love and make tons of them in cute patterns.

wish me luck this week. i'm a year older which is kind of like new year's day for me. i think of all the things i want to do but haven't. i want to stay mindful of my goals and intentions and not get caught up the busyness of the day.

i want to keep up this blog!

meat free sloppy joes

this picture totally does not do this dish justice. i should have taken it open faced. this recipe has such great flavor and i was surprised as soon as i bit into it. i doubled this recipe thinking i'd be able to freeze half, that did not happen!

a little background. my 8 year old son is a vegetarian. has been since he turned 3. we were eating burgers and he asked where they came from. not one to lie (no promises of santa, tooth fairy or easter bunny, in our house), i told him they came from a cow, the kind that say moo. they live on a farm and then they die and are cut up for food. he said 'that is disgusting.' he never ate meat again.

my husband and i have gone thru phases of not eating meat but neither of us have lasted longer than a year. we are now 3 weeks meat free and are trying to maintain it for good. we are planning our first meat free thanksgiving too!

by the way, the buns are also homemade. i've been having a lot of fun baking bread lately!

tuscan chickpea soup

i love blogs that show recipes, step by step, with photos. me, i take pics of what i make with my iphone. finished product only. sorry, that's just how i roll.

this is a tuscan chickpea soup from cooking light. it is simple and delicious. i think an average stocked pantry would always have these ingredients on hand.

meditation challenge wrap up

honestly, i forget that i have this blog. i have the best INTENTIONS of maintaining it and making it awesome. but i'm starting to think that being a blogger is not something i will ever excel at. i'm tired of over thinking what to say and what to share and what to post so i'm going to go for it and make this one big messy blog with no theme or thread to tie it together. then it will pretty much be an accurate portrayal of ME. and that's the point, right?

so, i totally wigged out on the last week of meditation. i wasn't waking up early enough to do it before my oldest got up and by the time he was off to school, the babies were starting to wake. my 2 year old would actually climb into my lap and say 'do meditations' and she would sit quietly, both of us with our eyes closed, waiting for davidji to close the meditation. that in itself made it worth it. B2 is super active, outgoing and noisy. so to have silent and still time with just her and i, has been very special.

i'm not sure if the meditations will remain available but i'm going to check. i still want to have a daily practice and i love his RPM method - rise, pee, meditate. i just need to get myself out of bed a wee bit earlier, which can be hard when i am snuggled up to b3 on a cold, northwest, morning.

oh, and c25k? let's not talk about that just yet!

21 day meditation challenge, day 13

oops, my bad. i pretty often forget that i have this blog. it's mama brain.

i've done pretty good at keeping up the daily meditation but i have missed a few days, and tomorrow morning i will have to do 3 to catch up. the only way to guarantee me doing this each morning, would be to wake up at a hideous hour to ensure (and with a 2 year old and a 10 month old, there is no true ensuring) that i'd have quiet time to myself.

i currently get up around 6am but i also wake my son up and start getting him ready for school. then i meditate while he eats and packs his bag and then we go outside to wait for his carpool.

i did do day 3 of week 1 of the couch to 5k, but i haven't done my run/walk since monday. B3 (b3 was my nickname for my youngest, when i was pg with him. so on this blog i will call the youngest b3, b2 for my 2 year old and b1 for my oldest), was sick this week and just as his temp started to remain normal without any fever reduction meds, my back went out. agh!

everytime something like this happens, an illness, a setback, etc, i make this promise to myself that when it is better i will not take advantage of my health and ability. i am usually pretty good at living up t the promise but then it fades.

my intention is to live up to that promise fully and find a way to maintain true balance in my life. some days i feel like i am just soaring and other days, it feels like i am bobbing to keep my head above water.

21 day meditation challenge, days 3 & 4

yesterday and today were a bit tougher, due to the fact that the babies were awake while i did my meditation. hubby was taking care of them but i had to work harder to stay focused. i am really enjoying starting my days with these guided meditations. davidji's voice is very calm and comforting and to be honest, he says what i need to hear.

i need to be reminded of that which i KNOW but disregard my own voice telling me so. he says do not judge the meditation, do not judge anything. he reminds me that it is all ok, it is all perfect. it is ok that my mind wanders, it's ok that i lose focus. that is where i have failed in the past, in many areas. i don't allow myself experiences unless i think that i can commit to some ideal way of having them, that i have created in my mind.

yesterday, i also did day 2 of the c25k. i didn't know until later that it is a 3 day a week program, not a daily one. so i am not running today and will go tomorrow or saturday. my legs were killing me and i'd had a morning that did not go according to my ideal of how it should have. but i decided to get up and go anyway and i'm so glad i did. it was a gorgeous fall morning, the air was crisp, the babies were bundled and content.

who could not enjoy this?

21 day meditation challenge, day 2

today was a breath awareness meditation. this is the way that i have meditated during the random, infrequent times that i have actually sat to meditate. i had a harder time this morning, my mind wandered, the sounds around my house distracted me. but davidji makes it so effortless. he speaks so true. there is no judgement, it is ok if your mind wanders, and it will. i just kept bringing myself back to my breath. once again it was a wonderfully peaceful way to start my day.

truth me told, i am not good at balance. i think all people need a balance and as a stay at home mother, i don't have this. i'm so used to doing child/family related things, i almost don't know what to do on my own. i even feel anxious when i am alone. when i think of going out for coffee alone, or to the store, i think about how easy it would be to bring one or more of the kids. i think about how much they would enjoy it. but i know i would be a better me if i took some time for myself. this challenge is one way that i am going to begin to do so.

another thing i did today, was start the c25k iphone app. i bought it forever ago. but yesterday i suggested to a girlfriend, that we do it after dropping off our toddlers at preschool. we both had our babies with us and it was a gorgeous morning. we did the alternating of run/walk around the lake park near my house. i'm not promising to do it daily but we are definitely going to do it together on preschool days where the weather is mild enough for us to have the babies out in their strollers.

21 day meditation challenge, day 1

this morning i participated in day 1 of the chopra center's 21 day meditation challenge. it is not the first time i've signed up. in fact i signed up for the challenge prior to this one, and disregarded it in it's entirety.

but meditation is one of those wicked lovely intentions that i have, yet fail to follow thru on.

this morning, however, after my oldest left for school, i thought, NOW is the time. and i decided there are no rules. if my 2 1/2 year old wakes up, i'll do the best i can. if the baby wakes up and my husband snores thru it, i can pause it and resume. i have to set myself up for success, not failure.

so since i was so tired and wanted to be comfortable, i laid on a giant pillow in front of the fireplace. ok, it's a dog bed but the kids love it so the dog has one and so do they :) as i was laying there, listening to davidji's voice telling me to take a deep breath, i heard a large exhale next to me. it was my daughter, she was up and following along.

i got her to lay in my arms and told her we were meditating. she chatted a little but was very calm and patient and curious. the meditation in it's entirety was 12 minutes, they will get longer with each day's meditation.

it was a beautiful experience to share with my daughter, a lovely way to start my day and week.

honestly, i find myself constantly flustered, angry, annoyed and then i am snapping and grumpy and not being who i am at my core. i so much want to utilize this tool to stay present, to maintain focused on my intentions and successful in realizing them.

i am going to post my 21 day experience here, so if i miss days or give up, it will be here for all to see and share a 'tsk tsk'.

interested in joining the challenge? go here!

http://www.chopra.com/meditationchallenge/fall

a new dawn, a new day....here we go again!

again, you ask? well again for me. i had about 9 posts on here but it wasn't going anywhere so i deleted them all and am starting over. that is one of my favorite things: that i can choose to start anything over, and over and over, if i want to.

it's a lesson i constantly need to relearn and that i try to share with my kids. well my oldest (DS, 8) will say "mom, can we start over?" when our day gets off track. whether it's because he is in a funk or maybe he feels i've been too hard on him (entirely possible) and i always say yes.

i used to have this mentality that if i didn't do X, Y, or Z at 100% from the second i woke up, then i had failed. but the only failing is in not trying again. whether it's a diet or squeezing in time to meditate or exercise or just deciding to restart with a fresher outlook and attitude. realizing that i can start over is such a blessing.

the original intention of this blog was to document my happiness project. but i didn't follow through with it. and i didn't beat myself up about it. maybe i will do it, maybe i won't. then i thought i'd share my boot camp experience here, i didn't update it enough. so here i am, starting again, just going to share bits and pieces of me. there are no rules, there is no theme.

i don't always make sense. sometimes i am all peace and light, sometimes i'm on a bitching rampage. sometimes i am cooking up healthy recipes, other days i am downing strawberry lemonades. and i'm finally wanting to take a try at sharing it on a blog, one that possibly will never be read. but that's ok too!

my wicked, lovely intention is just to be, me, and be ok with that.